My Journey Inward

Projected Mirrors

2011-08-14T19:32:00.003-04:00

The last three years, well more truthfully, the last 33 years of my life have taught me a lot about relationships. However, it wasn't until recently that I truly began to pay attention. Most likely because ever relationship in my life was on the fritz somehow. They just weren't working for me anymore. The painful part was that most of these relationships were with the very people I held the closest to my heart, and I loved them very much, or so I believed I did. I loved them, but I also hated and resented them. To make matters more complicated and frustrating I believed that that they were the problem, not me. Yes, I was a saint....Heaven sent to save these wayward souls from self-destruction. The fall from sainthood has been a Godsend. A flight downwards into the stink and darkness of my shit. I realized through a lot of painful and honest self-reflections, that the very devils I despised were really the shadows filling my own heart. I never truly loved these people. How could I??? I was too busy hating myself and projecting it onto them so I wouldn't have to be the problem, to truly even know them. And in doing so, I failed to see the beauty and individuality in their imperfections and my own. On this difficult and lonely path (no one could do this work or transformation for me, although I wished it many times I could pay someone to) I began to see how easy, too easy it is to cause pain and suffering to another. It seemed far more difficult and counterintuitive to be authentic, honest, open and loving; especially when the risk of rejection was the greatest. I have seen my neediness, my insecurity, my shallow, selfish and unforgiving tendencies and habitual patterns. I have seen the old wounds and memories of childhood play themselves out on every relationship and circumstance in my life. And because I asked to see the darkness in myself and know the truth, I have also experienced the freedom that love brings. Not the love of movies, or sappy romance novels. The love that transcends all rational understanding. The love that warms your heart from head to toe just because it can. The type of love that flows spontaneously for no apparent reason. This is the love that I always desired to be and give. I pray and talk to God everyday so that love is the guiding principle that moves me into every single moment I spend in relationship to the world around me. Do I forget and lose my way....Absolutely. But God never leaves me and I trust God that I will be shown the way back. Despite the gnashing of teeth and the moments of forgetfulness when the dramas of life cloud my heart and better judgement, I know that all is just a mirror. These moments of despair, sadness, anger and grief are not to be borne long, they are to worn lightly and to be used to set me straight on the path to loving-kindness again. Forgiveness and acceptance have been the most transformative tools I have utilized up to this point in my life, and I have never been disappointed in God for all the love and support I have been given on the way. All the relationships that were not as I desired them to be three years ago have changed drastically, miraculously. I couldn't have asked for more out of life. The rest in icing. Today, I thank God for all the angels in my life posing as despicable devils. For in the those dark shadows my redemption and freedom were borne.

Bittersweet Symphony

2010-09-05T10:13:00.006-04:00

The last few days I have heard the song Bittersweet Symphony being played quite randomly and each time it caught my attention I stopped, and began to ponder the bittersweetness of life. As I listened I thought about how life is a symphony of experiences, choices, relationships, moments, feelings and emotions. All of these can seem pretty bitter at times and at other moments, very sweet. We usually experience the bitter and the sweet separately. They seem mutally exclusive. And depending on how one views life and their experiences there can be more or less of either of these two realities. However, I am convinced that these two apparent polar opposite actualities in fact do occur together. They actually coexist at the same time, in the same moment that the experiencer is experiencing the unfolding event before them. I know from my own reflection that when I am in a situation where I am feeling anguish, there is also a kindness present as well. It takes a wider perspective and I have to step out of the personal agenda I am focused on creating and intentionally view the situation from many different angles. In doing this, a soft gentleness holds the harshness and the sweetness of life begins to permeate it all and change it. It becomes less hurtful, painful, and intrusive. Healing, allowing and acceptance flower in a place where only moments, days, weeks, or years before there seemed only to be rubbish and painful memories strewn. The symphony of life doesn't ask us to acknowledge only the sweetness and negate the bitterness, or live in either of these experiences exclusively. It is asking us to allow the gentle sweetness to soften the harshness and allow the bitterness to mold and give context to the sweetness. It is only here that we will begin to appreciate the gifts of both of these beautiful perspectives. When placed together in a partnership that is necessary for life to have meaning and depth these seemingly polar opposites that were once believed to be unreconcilable, begin to create the beautiful bittersweet symphony of your life and the rose is more glorious because of it's thorns.

What you say, what you do...

2010-08-29T16:52:00.006-04:00

We live in a world where we are constantly in a mode of communication. We use cellphones, emails and numerous other modalities to convey our thoughts and express ourselves through words to one another. However, what is one to believe at the end of the day, what we say or what we do??? The old adage that actions speak louder than words holds much wisdom. Often I find myself saying something that I don't necessarily or entirely believe to be true. I may be to afraid to say what I really feel, or I may just desire to avoid a fight that I am sure (in my mind) will ensue or I just feel if I say what I have to say, it may hurt another persons feelings. Yet, underneath all this is how I really feel and I can bet at some point I will find myself acting out my deepest, truest beliefs. If I am not careful that my words and thoughts are congruent with my actions, in the end, I have not spared anyone the uncomfortable or painful truth of how I really feel or what I truly think. We avoid being direct and truthful all the time. Why as a society have we not come to respect and honour the courage and love that it takes for someone to say something in a honest, integrous and loving manner, even if the truth sometimes hurts? Of course it is painful sometimes, that's why we put up with people lying to us or readily believe the sugar coated half- assed truth version of their opinions. At the end of the day, I would rather have your truth. Then and only then, can I decide for myself what I am going to do about it. When we do not stand together in a desire to assist one another in living more fully and freely, we keep ourselves locked in "safe" little boxes that rob us of the genuine opportunity for change. I love it when someone says, "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you." Really? Actually, I think you didn't tell me because you didn't want to deal with the consequences of your actions and truth. And for the record, now that I know, do you really believe it hurts less now than if you had told me the truth up front?!! Come on...now I have been lied to and the hurt is that much deeper. At the end of the day, I desire truth. I have my own act to clean up with this. I see my own failings and avoidances. In acknowledging that and desiring better of myself in relationships, I honour myself, I find integrity and courage within myself and I see very clearly what I will tolerate and what I will not in others. Yes, I expect the same courtesy and respect returned. Anything less is sabotaging the person I choose to be. So when you tell me what you think and when I see what you do, I am left with no choice but to believe your actions. For didn't you once tell me that the best predictor of people's future actions are the choices and behaviours they have chosen in the past...

The Dark Spot

2010-08-21T13:52:00.003-04:00

This summer has been one of the most difficult, challenging and fulfilling seasons of my life. Needless to say, I am ready for the Fall Solstice to come upon me. I have been wrestling with inner demons that have conveniently come to play out within my life. My deepest fears and insecurities are being lived right now. I stand in the quake of everything I have tried very desperately never to go through in my life. Yet here it is. The pain in excrutiating. It stabs so deep, the wound never seems to stop bleeding. It seems sometimes that a beautiful healing scab has formed and given time, a faint white scar may be visible or maybe not at all, if the cut heals well. Unfortunately, it seems the wound still desires to weep. I do not know how to step or transcend beyond this dark cold place that sits just above my navel. It twists and turns, and leaves me in a cold sweat if my attention begins to ruminate in it. It hurts..it hurts so much. How do I move beyond this??? How do I heal this??? I believe I cannot. Something much greater than I is needed. I have tried to rationalize this ache, to deny this ache, to curse and judge this ache. It hasn't changed. It still pierces straight through me. It taints all my perceptions of trust, and it creates suspicion. Unfairly I judge others, question their motives, their actions, their words. It seems to smother all goodness and truth that exists. I desire for truth and goodness to absorb and transform it. The dark spot is a hole that longs to be filled; the challenge arises when I am on my knees, buckled over and breathless in the pain, to choose to fill that hole with something greater and transcendent that I know nothing about....

Words

2010-07-08T16:19:00.012-04:00

I love words. I always have. I take great pleasure in learning a new obscure word in the english language. Then I let the word roll around on my lips and tongue as I create imaginative ways in which I can use it in my everyday vernacular. My husband often calls "bullshit" a lot on my word plays. It is childish play when I run to the dictionary to "prove" I have used this less commonly heard word properly. Doing this with him is one of my favorite things. It makes me smile just to write about it. However, lately I have been thinking about the insufficiency of words.... how they are so limited in their capacity to convey the truth of the heart. I believe when I try to relay in words something from that deep heartfelt place it becomes transformed and diminished on some level in the language of the mind. It is frustrating for me to hear what I am saying, attempting to describe something which is indescribable and knowing deep within my soul it isn't anywhere close to the feelings I am experiencing. Can a parent ever come close to using the english language as a way to explain to their children the depths of devotion and unconditional love them have for them? I am sure any parent reading this will know exactly what I mean. The words just don't cut it. They seem so inadequate in the moment of the feeling being experienced. There are no words for it. I cannot in a million words or in a million different languages even try to explain what I feel for you. "I love you" seems run-of-the-mill and glib. I look at you and I know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Nothing I wouldn't give to you. In the aftermath of hurt, fear, rejection and distress it forgives all things. It accepts all things. It loves all things. It is a depth of feeling that just keeps giving with no expectation of anything given in return. It doesn't need it. It is sufficient unto itself. A never-ending fountain of fresh spring water that fills all the holes and cracks. I have prayed often that God show me what it is like to love someone unconditionally, to show me what it means to give selflessly to another. Be careful what you pray for. I never in my wildest imaginings thought it would unfold like this. It has come at a cost so great it seems cruel and yet it isn't harsh or agonizing. It is soft and yielding. I died a million times to myself to feel and experience this. I willingly accept a million more. It is a the most beautiful gift that Life has ever bestowed upon me and it is not mine to keep. I give it wholly and completely to you. Do with it what you will. You will walk your path in this life and I will be where you desire me to be. I know I will love and support you every step of the way. In the end there are no words except....I love you.

Life Lessons

2010-06-25T00:13:00.003-04:00

Eventually we are asked to get off the ride. It has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, twists and turns, and sometimes a little coasting. However, it must come to a stop at some point. It has to or else we couldn't or wouldn't start again on a bigger, more challenging and exciting ride. There has been laughter and tears, joy and sorrow. It has been horribly terrifying and heartbreaking while paradoxically, liberating and exhilarating. I once commented to a wonderful person I know that I had been well loved in my life. Yes, it is true. I have been loved; I am loved. However, what I failed at that time to comprehend or even contemplate was this: Had I loved well in my life? Sadly, that answer has been no. However, I never fathomed in a million years what it would mean to me or could mean to me to do so. I probably wouldn't have even asked God to show me what it was like to love unconditionally, to be able to forgive all that did and did not happen before, if I had known where that prayer would eventually lead me. This is what I have come to learn. It is better to give than to receive, for in doing so, true freedom and love are found. I have been shown over and over again my liberation lies in giving my heart and authentic truth to another without expectations or guarantees. It has also been a great cross to bear. For I stand alone with a heart full of love and compassion, pulling on a deep faith that somehow I have served something greater than myself. However, I also hope someday I will journey this path with someone who will love and hold my heart as much as I can love and hold theirs.

Gathering In

2010-06-17T19:32:00.004-04:00

I am struck how life is circular, yet spiral in nature. It is a process of changing seasons, birth and death, light and dark. I cannot know the joy of an experience without also knowing sadness. I believe these processes are so intertwined that one is not occurring without the other right along with it. Sometimes it is very difficult to see love and hate in the same situation. Yet I have learned it is there. There are patterns unfurling as well as I walk my path. Many times I have stopped and realized I have been here before. It may look a different in the outward expression of the experience, but the feelings underneath it are the same. These feelings have become my sacred companions. These feelings push me to go a little deeper, know myself a little more, experience my life more authentically. I have learned to trust that these moments come to serve. Sometimes they elevate me to great joy and triumph. Sometimes they bring me to my knees in surrendered defeat. I have many gray hairs to prove how hard I try not to bend. The darkness always wins in the end. It is my greatest source of wisdom. It has been my greatest teacher. The bleak shroud of midnight brings me to the light of my greatest success and inner power. I have learned to gather in these feelings and look at them honestly in the light of awareness. They are always showing me myself. It is a difficult process, especially the bigger the emotional response. It is far easier to blame another then to see the fault lying at my own feet. Yet I believe if I wish to live a life of freedom, a life of authenticity, love and freedom then I must be willing to sacrifice all I have ever believed to be true about myself and see myself with different eyes. Freedom always begins in my own heart. It always starts with understanding my role in the experience and then forgiving myself for my blindness. Then.... I pour a glass of wine and offer myself a sincere congratulations... I have just experienced a triumph of my soul.

Goliath

2010-06-13T18:47:00.003-04:00

When I was a child, I had a recurring dream: I was in the backyard of my house, it is sunny outside. To my left is a tree, it is large and my family is in it. In front of me is Goliath. It is my job to conquer Goliath to save my family. I had this dream over and over again, until finally I conquered Goliath with a little rock I launched into his forehead with a slingshot. I remember standing over him and taking my little rock back, successful in protecting my family. That dream has never faded in my memory. It has probably been over 25 years since I have dreamt it. Yet it still persists in my memory, deeply etched, as if to remind my somehow of what I am still to accomplish. Until recently, I never put much thought into what the image of Goliath could mean to me. I am sure as my life unfolds Goliath will come to signify many different things. One aspect of Goliath that is the glaringly obvious is the representation of all the fears, insecurities and doubts that have challenged me and held me back from living a life fully and completely. Symbolically, I have had to try many times and I have failed many times to succeed in knocking those fears down flat on their back, hoping never to see them again. It is terrifying to know all I have is a pebble and a slingshot, and he has a sword and a shield. I seem so insignificant and powerless. I have wondered how my family (and friends) factor in this. I believe in allowing my fears and insecurites to influence the choices in my life and the way I have related to and interact with others, I have not lived a life I would call fulfilling or deeply connected. I have pushed loved ones away, I have hidden behind masks of cool detachment, I have held my heart and soul very close and never allowed anyone a glimpse at the "real" me. I have pretended to be okay, when I have been far from it. I have killed parts of myself that were too painful to acknowledge. I have, in essence lived a life that was far from rich and meaningful. That understanding and knowledge has come at a great cost and sacrifice. It has caused me to reevaluate my life, my purpose, my dreams and goals from the inside out. It has changed the very foundation upon which I had previously built all perceptions and experiences. Yet, I cannot forget the end of my dream. I am standing over Goliath, triumphant, removing my little stone that conquered and defeated the giant. I have protected my family from his evil grasp. This is the moment of my reckoning. Life will always bring you what you need to grow and to become more fully human. It is a spiral effect. I am standing at the edge of fears and behaviours I have relived many times before, getting ready to launch my simple slingshot; this time knowing that I will use a different angle, an alternative approach which will set me and my family free from the pursuit of demons. I will pull that little pebble from Goliath's forehead and triumphantly stand tall. Knowing deeply I had the power within me all along to master my inner menacing giants.

Miracles

2010-06-09T18:57:00.005-04:00

Sometimes I really want to know what God wants from me. I pray and wait.... pray some more....wait and on and on it seems to go. I get really pissed off sometimes at the lack of response (always of course what I desire it to look like) and also the reminder to sit and wait in the shit of it all. I get tired. My soul and my heart are weary. It is here though that the greatest gifts, blessing and graces seem to arrive. I have waited and prayed many years for the miracle I experienced this past weekend. I had given up that it would. I believe it happened because I had finally let go. I surrendered. I released all the past hurts and baggage I had carried into this relationship not knowing I had done so. I healed and accepted all the hurts and sorrows I had experienced and caused during this marriage. I believed I was ready to move on. But sometimes that isn't what God has in mind for us. I think God likes curveballs. Those moments in time that shift something so profoundly that you didn't see it coming, and you can't go back. It is too late; the either/or disappears and all that is left is the AND. Now I am left wondering is it better late than never??? Or, is it just one of those pregnant moments in life where something has been significantly altered and now you are waiting to see what new life will be breathed into it. I don't know. All I know is that I was given the greatest gift a human being can ever experience. I wonder if this is how parents feel about their children. I looked into the eyes of another and saw the Beloved looking back at me and all I wanted to do was love that beloved man with all my heart and soul. I am left waiting again in the shit of it, waiting and praying.....

Dance

2010-06-03T13:17:00.004-04:00

I often wonder what the point of all of this is. The pushing and pulling between the tension of opposing forces, always moving me forward. Many times I painstakingly fall back and failure is my companion. It seems to be a bit of a dance. Yet, I wonder who has choreographed the steps. I certainly wasn't privy to the recital. I misstep, stumble and fall flat on my face, very apparently having two left feet. Somehow, and hindsight is such a gift to this, I see that I have learned a few of the moves along the way. I can pirouette, make a leap and even understand when to take the bow. However, Life always has a new routine for me to move into. It never allows me much time to rest and languish in my successes. But Life is kind and it affords me the luxury of bringing my previous accomplishments forward into the new creative expression it wishes me to partake in. It only asks that I courageously expand on the moves I mastered before. And so, it begins again. I most certainly am going to fall, more times then I will stand. I will walk on tired, sore and blistered feet, my body aching from exertion, my mind becoming a void due to exhaustion. However, I know that my beautiful tutu awaits for my arrival. I think it is pink with gold sequins with satin slippers to match. I am going to get on that stage and dance my heart out. It is worth the gamble of failure for God.

A prayer and a pledge

2010-06-01T12:53:00.002-04:00

This is my problem Sophia, gentle guide to wisdom and truth, I have been shoving away the possibility that this experience of my dream image is a real and authentic call of my heart. I have tried to make it rational and logical.... something the soul is not. I do not know where this image will go but I know I have to step into the projected reality of my soul and give it a shot. I must... I have to let go of all that has come before and step into this mysterious and unknown world you are beckoning me to dance in. There is clarity in writing this, a peace and tranquilness. I ask you in this making this decision that You please do not let me waiver again. I hurt people, I hurt myself, I hurt You. I am coming Beloved Sophia. It has taken my 2 long years (probably longer) but if you will have me, guide me and hold me, I willingly surrender to your peace, truth, wisdom and love. I can do this. I can become what you desire me to blossom into, although I do not know what that is. I hope and pray you cradle me in your arms. For here at Kanuga my soul feels restored and clarity is witnessed. No fear or regret, just calm knowing. I pledge to you my Beloved soul, my God, that I will follow your calling to allow the third to enter in. I will follow my dreams although it may cause turmoil and change for others. I pledge to do this authentically, lovingly and humbly with forgiveness and grace in my heart. Amen

Collapse

2010-05-31T14:01:00.003-04:00

There is a point in a person's life (or maybe just mine) where you have believed you have done everything right. You have committed to people, jobs, belief systems and felt that surely you had life figured out and for awhile, it seems to run smoothly. Then something happens. A job loss, a death, an overwhelming experience of a person or event and all the wheels fall off. It is then that one realizes they barely had their shit together in the first place. It was all some illusory safety net. This happened to me. It all began so subtley, so inconspicuously. I began to question the meaning of my life, my marriage and my role as a woman in society. I had effectively started to see cracks in my perfect little life and all the things I believed were good for me. It turns out, my heart and soul wanted something more from life than my head and ego. It wanted depth, intimacy, relatedness, mystery and deep passionate, soul burning love. It want to feel alive and connected to something far greater than the surface trappings of life. It wanted to feel known by someone else without ever saying a word. This is a tall order, especially since it is 180 degrees from what I had previously believed to be safe, secure and desireable. However, those ideals was no longer feeding my soul. Oh, how I fought this urge, effectively ignored it for many years. I went to school, got a good job, married a great guy, bought a house..... I was on the path to success and freedom, or so I thought. I never dreamt that success and freedom had nothing to do with those things. So here I am, at 32 years of age and I have completely destroyed and torn apart my life for dreaming something more for myself. I tried desperately to cling to the way that had come before. I believed I was asking too much from Life, from God. Maybe I am. I am terrified that I am. I am scared shitless to be standing here on this point of collapse and ruin, begging God to remove all the desires and dreams of my heart and soul, to take me back to the time before I began to ask questions. But He does not. He burns the call to something more, to something different, to Eros and Life deep within my psyche. He will not let me go back to simpler times. For that woman no longer exists anymore. She has been ruined.

2009-05-14T17:19:00.005-04:00

I just finished walking a labyrinth at Mount Carmel. I was alone on this walk today. I had the glorious opportunity to meander along the white circular path at my own pace, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, sometimes dancing a step or two and even at times experiencing a misstep. The labyrinth sings to my heart and soul a different song each time I embark on its soothing meditative walk. The song heard today stilled my soul and opened my mind and senses to just being in the moment. I seemed to float around the labyrinth as I focused on my feet, the music in my ears and even the way my hair brushed my face. I had the profound sense today that Life was perfect. Nothing to be done or undone, just an honoring of what is. This path we walk in Life can be done in many ways, in many expressions. Some of us run, some of us saunter and most of us stumble and fall more times than we would like to admit. But we all eventually arrive at our final destination. The gift in the journey is remembering to savor each placed footfall on the path as it unfolds unknown before us. I believe there is great wisdom is the saying "Stop and smell the roses". May we all make a few more frequent stops along our trek and sense the gloriousness of Life around us.

Brokenness

2009-05-11T22:05:00.003-04:00

The following was written a few days ago after I had commenced upon reading with voracity a book called "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser. I have written similar passages before in my journal. The inner longings and desires burning brightly within, but not spoken out loud. A chapter in the book deeply touched my heart, I resonated with the brokenness feeling. The intensity of sorrow and loss that I once experienced so many years ago. It was a time to embark on the difficult journey to climb out of the ashes and begin anew, or lose myself in tears and sadness. I stepped very timidly on that path, not certain if I would finish the trek. As I read this chapter, I needed to write and express exactly what this journey of deep inner healing has created within me. I love words, I find myself in words, and at times they cannot even skim the surface of how I feel. This is the best I can do right now:

God, break this heart wide open-to know your fullness and grace in its entirety. I feel I am living a half-lived life; numbly going through the motions, panic-stricken at moments when I feel I should know the answers and I don't. Why do I fear the unknown? Through the eyes of ego I peer at the world and blanket it in ignorance. I have avoided plunging deeply into the murky depths within me so I can feel safe and secure. I have been so afraid and terrified of the unknown that lurks around ever dark corner, beckoning me to lose myself in it's mystical darkness. I do not want to live like this any longer. I hate this feeling of being disengaged and cut-off, shrinking from my souls callings, myself and the world. I pray God you break me open, so deeply that the crevice it too wide to mend, so I can no longer shut my heart and soul away from myself and the world. I do not know how to get to where I envision how my life would look being lived deeply and completely and wide open. A freedom like this is what I long for. I turn to you dearest friend, to lead the way, open the path before me-cast it in a light so invitingly soft that I cannot possibly desire to turn away.

Broken open, that is what I wish. It is in my brokenness that I connect with Life. I am stifled living a life of insecurity, shame, guilt, not-good-enough, is-this-all-there-is-because-this-sucks!, fear, worry, anxiety, sadness and oh so many more human emotions that eat us alive. In brokenness, comes surrender. Letting go and release. I desire to release all that has kept me from living the life I wish to live. A life of wonder and magic and fullness and love. So much love, so much gratitude. Thank you God. For without your guiding light I would be lost in the land of darkness.

Aren't AHA Moments Great!!

2009-05-06T21:32:00.003-04:00

I attended a meditation tonight. Wasn't really sure why I agreed to go at the time. It was spontaneous and impulsive. It was the best decision I have made in a while. Wouldn't it be great if all my impulsive decision turned out to be so rewarding. We spent an hour and a bit doing some guided meditation and all of a sudden out of the blue the facilitator asks if we would like to try a past life regression technique. Well, I am always for a little past life hook up with friends and family so I chimed in that I wouldn't mind if we did it. She asked us to focus on someone and I immediately knew who my person would be. I have been wanting to understand this crazy connection I feel to this person and this was my opportunity. What I experienced during that regression was over in about 1 minute I am sure, but the ramifications of the event experienced will change my life forever from this moment forward. I am amazed at how quickly things can be placed into a new perspective and it is like a light bulb goes off. Oh....I see now, holy shit, you mean I have been wasting all this time feeling sorry, guilty, ashamed and blaming myself and that is all that this was about!!! OMG!!! This makes it so different and hilariously laughable. I have spent years, I mean YEARS trying to understand why this person is still bobbing around in my head, attempting to piece together some semblance of meaning about the whole thing. There is meaning alright, it just wasn't at all what I expected. There are so many layers to this one-minute gift. My husband was also in this past life, and the role he played then and the role he played in this lifetime makes so much sense. I get it, I get it, I get it. It amazes me how life always gives you second chance somewhere to make it right. Thank you B. I have never, ever given you the credit you have deserved. You were my guardian angel. You came into my life when I need you most, and you helped and supported me while I crawled out of a despair I believe could have consumed me. I hope from this moment all, with a clearer vision and a deeper understanding the past will be healed. All debts and karma released. I wish that for all involved in my past life event and for everyone else still carrying around a past they are not even aware of....yet.

Seeing My Own Shadow

2009-05-05T21:16:00.003-04:00

I have had this companion for most of my life I am sure. I will call it the Shadow. I usually ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist or influence me in anyway. However, I have realized I am in severe denial. Lately I have felt my life to be in a rut, to put it mildly. I have blamed and cursed almost everything in my life for creating these uncomfortable and unwanted feelings within myself. Who doesn't want their life to be completely roses? I finally realized that I had a problem with almost every major aspect of my life: marriage, money and career and the common denominator was me. So I finally asked myself-Sara, what are all these things pointing to? What are they showing you? In a few short words, I am quite effectively stopping myself from flowing with Life. I am terrified of letting go and letting change happen, especially when I don't know if I will like the outcome. Don't get me wrong, I keep telling myself I want something to change, anything, but....I sabotage myself over and over again and I have been so unaware of it. Until now. The Shadow, very discreetly has been trying to get my attention for a while. A poke here, a little nudge there, until I can no longer ignore it's subtleties. It has my attention now. Although this shadow has caused me grief for awhile, I am thankful for it putting up with my denial. It hasn't shown me a positive aspect of myself, but it has revealed to me a negative coping mechanism I have used time and again: defensiveness, anger, inflexibility etc, just to keep myself at distance from change and acknowledging my fear. I now know I believe change will hurt. Yet, this is so untrue. Change has brought so many wonderful things into my life. It is only when I have resisted change that it has hurt and truthfully I have only hurt myself by hurting others with my negative behaviour. So today I thank the shadow. I see the patterns I use when I know something is coming down the line, and I don't want to look at it. I have put my glasses on and I have left the blinders behind. Change is coming, it is inevitable, nothing in life stays the same. I now step into a new paradigm, a positive, life affirming behaviour with this awareness lighting the way. I am stepping out of the shadow (finally) into the sunshine.

The Quiet

2009-05-04T22:05:00.005-04:00

Tonight I find little to write about. It is quiet within me. A place where what has come before has been acknowledged and reflected upon; the moment where what comes next is unknown and unfathomable. It is soft and gentle. A space of release and rejuvenation. The work has been tedious, at times, unbearable and anguished. Tears shed, beliefs shattered, heart rend wide open for all to see. Questions tend to arise here but so ethereal is their nature, they effortlessly float into the background. They are not really all that important right now. Tomorrow is a new day. What will arise, who knows. Here, I wait serenely, knowing the velvet darkness of night will surround and sanctify this sacred space. I call this The Quiet. Where all falls away and the mind is still, the body relaxed, the stillness of Life experienced. I surrender to this Quiet. It is welcomed. It is a gift, a grace, an offering. So tonight I sink into this place of inky darkness and emptiness. I feel like a blank slate or a book that has yet to written. The ending is up to me.

First Times

2009-04-27T21:45:00.003-04:00

I must thank my friends and family for the daily inspirations they provide me to write about. Today's is courtesy of my beautiful niece. She rolled over today, her first time. A major accomplishment in the world of infants. Her triumph today immediately reminded me of a few of my own: first day of school, first kiss, first home etc. Our lives are full of very important firsts and rights of passage. But what happens to all those other moments that may not be categorized as "first times"? Getting out of bed for the first time today, (okay, I had a nap this afternoon), the first cuddle my dogs and I had, the first time I saw my co-workers, my first glorious sip of Timmy's coffee. These all happened for the first time today. Why do I lump them all together in an endless stream of seemingly familiar daily activities? I had never experienced those moments before, but somehow I had forgotten to pay attention to the newness of those moments, to feel the aliveness and appreciation for life as they unfold. Our lives, everyday, begin anew. And yet, most of our daily experiences are chalked up to responsibilities, same-olds and been-there-done-that's. We have forgotten to experience every moment of our lives as a new moment, something to savour and pay attention to. We miss so much of our lives as we quickly finish the task at hand, while our minds have already jumped to the next to-do list item. If I knew today were my last day to walk on this earth, I wouldn't miss one single moment, not even the most miniscule part. I would appreciate every single person, every single breath, every beautiful bird song. How do I manage to miss these things almost daily? I forget that these things have never happened before, I take for granted that all I have is this moment, right now. As I write this, I am crying, because right now, I feel so alive and grateful. I have never been here before, in this bed, writing this blog, feeling these feelings. This is the only place where my life can be experienced. Right now. Right here.... there is no place I would rather be.

True Friendships

2009-04-26T19:45:00.004-04:00

Today I had the pleasure of enjoying a relaxing brunch with my husband and dear friends. We had not seen each in 6 months and any contact in the meantime was by email. I am always amazed at how quickly time passes. It astounds me even further that in those few hours between bites of egg and bacon, no time seems to have passed at all. We pick up where we left off, the interaction easy and effortless. I have been blessed with many friendships like this. I do not really understand why. I am not a great correspondent. I hardly ever spend the hours I did as a teenager on the phone catching up. Email, and now recently Facebook, have been been my main lifeline to friends. This is what I have come to appreciate and love about true friendships. They don't care if you haven't called in 6 months or forgotten a birthday. They don't lay guilt trips or create expectations. True friendships accept you exactly as you are. True friendships are grateful for your presence in their life and appreciate any time or effort made to reconnect. True friendships leave you a better person than you were before you knew that friend. Lastly, a true and you-will-always-be-in-my-life-no-matter-what friendship, after a two hour breakfast squeezed in on a quick trip through the city before heading home, leaves you with joy in your heart, laughter on your lips, deep felt gratitude and appreciation for the blessing of this friendship in your life.

Changing the World

2009-04-21T20:57:00.004-04:00

At work today an interesting conversation arose between my coworkers and I. It all started with the comment about how the young people of the world today are taking too much on their shoulders by wanting to change the world. I for one do not believe I would be considered among the young people of the world and yet I do believe it is possible to change the world. I hope never to lose this vision or feeling. Does it mean that I can alter the world globally? Does that even matter? Did Jesus or Buddha set out to change the global face of the world? How about King Henry VIII, or Bill Gates? I for one do not believe so. I think they took it one step at a time, unaware of the overall ramifications of their actions. So, can I change the world? I believe I can change my own inner world. I can change the way I create my responses to people, circumstances and my thoughts and feelings. I am a far more powerful creator than I was ever led to believe. The fact that each and every part of creation exists changes the world. I change the world with a genuine thank you. I change the world when I look into the eyes of someone and tell them just how important they are to me. I change the world when I forgive myself. I change the world when I decide to live authentically and honestly. My world has been changed by those who have created examples out of their actions that give my inspiration, hope and empowerment. I have been accused of being an idealist and naive. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. It doesn't really matter. What matters to me is that I believe I have the ability to change my world and my interaction with those that share this world with me. For me, that is enough.

Much Ado About Nothing.

2009-04-20T21:40:00.004-04:00

Much ado about nothing. That is what I have come to appreciate about the dramas my thoughts create within me. I spent 3-4 hours ruminating over an incident I had at work today. I even felt it rising within me as the whole scenario unfolded. I choose to ignore the warning signals, the little nudges that let me know I may be completely way off in left field. The whole thing escalated from that point onward. I literally spent a few hours rehashing the whole scenario, she said, I said, blah blah blah. How much of my life am I going to waste on these completely useless replays? The good news is that I finally admitted to myself that I am only trying to make myself right and the other person wrong. It's funny, the second I can admit the truth to myself and accept my wrong thinking and flaws, the whole incident loses it energy to distract me further. It is quite laughable at how long I hold onto these stories. Much ado about nothing... nothing important anyway. I can feel my arteries thanking me for letting this story go.

What do I know for sure?

2009-04-19T19:51:00.003-04:00

What do I know for sure? I came across this question while reading O magazine at the gym. The article was about people who had wise answers to this question. I never made it to their comments. I was so riveted by this question, that I continued to ponder it for awhile. So...what do I know for sure? Fortunately, not much. I am grateful this insight, although, I still at times catch myself pursuing avenues of thought that convince me that I do know something, especially what I think is absolutely right for someone or something. Of course, being the oldest sibling has definitely groomed me for this automatic, habitual thought process. Doesn't being the oldest mean you know what is best? Luckily some of my greatest humbling lessons have come from my siblings. I have learned, painfully at times, that I do not know what is best, and when I hold on to thinking that I do know what is best for others, I really miss out on learning and understanding something about them. What do I know for sure? I am sure I really, truly, honestly know nothing. So paradoxical, to be sure about nothing. Yet, it is here in this place of openness and curiosity that I truly experience the wholeness and perfection of life and people. My hope is to always remember I do not know. Please show me.

What's In a Dream?

2009-04-18T21:40:00.003-04:00

Have you ever had a dream? I have a dream. I want to be a children's book writer, I want to write, period. I suppose that is why a blog site appeals to me so much. My dream blossomed later than most of my peers. I knew I wanted to get married, have a good career and children, I never thought much beyond that. I didn't even fantasize about my wedding day. I have accomplished two of these goals, except children. Somehow the hollow, unfulfilled feeling the other two accomplishments left me with, created the hesitation to jump on board the mommy train. I knew having a family would be fulfilling on many levels, but it isn't the soul gratifying, passionate, following my dreams kind of fulfilling I am looking for. I have spent the last few years trying to figure out what it is I am yearning for. I don't know if I ever will know that answer. Maybe I don't want to . Somehow in the searching a tension is created within me that keeps pushing me forward, looking for something more, something deeper. What I have come to understand about myself is that I am at my best when I am writing. Words allow my the opportunity to achieve clarity. I have a dream. Writing. I hope I always have a dream. Dreams push me out of my safe, secure world. Dreams make our hearts sing, and our souls fly. Never give up on your dreams. It would be a life not fully lived.

Contemplative Prayer

2009-04-16T20:42:00.000-04:00

I am writing a paper today on contemplative prayer as part of the curriculum for the Spiritual Director program at Haden Institute. As I was writing this paper and discussing what contemplative prayer was, I began writing how most of us are doing contemplative prayer without even realizing. For example, watching children playing carefree and gaily and our hearts are opened with joy and love. We usually believe the children playing have evoked these emotions within ourselves, and yet it is not the act of the children playing that creates these feelings, they already exist within us. The children playing was only an exterior event that captivated our attention long enough for our minds to quieten and allow our true nature to gently arise within. Prayer, meditation, contemplation etc., whatever we wish to call it, is so often left to a scheduled time in our daily life, where we can enter a place of stillness and silence. Those are truly sacred, special moments. However I challenge people to live a contemplative life while engaging fully in the world. Creating within our daily activities an intention and awareness of living consciously, we may just experience our entire lives being lived as a prayer.