I love words. I always have. I take great pleasure in learning a new obscure word in the english language. Then I let the word roll around on my lips and tongue as I create imaginative ways in which I can use it in my everyday vernacular. My husband often calls "bullshit" a lot on my word plays. It is childish play when I run to the dictionary to "prove" I have used this less commonly heard word properly. Doing this with him is one of my favorite things. It makes me smile just to write about it. However, lately I have been thinking about the insufficiency of words.... how they are so limited in their capacity to convey the truth of the heart. I believe when I try to relay in words something from that deep heartfelt place it becomes transformed and diminished on some level in the language of the mind. It is frustrating for me to hear what I am saying, attempting to describe something which is indescribable and knowing deep within my soul it isn't anywhere close to the feelings I am experiencing. Can a parent ever come close to using the english language as a way to explain to their children the depths of devotion and unconditional love them have for them? I am sure any parent reading this will know exactly what I mean. The words just don't cut it. They seem so inadequate in the moment of the feeling being experienced. There are no words for it. I cannot in a million words or in a million different languages even try to explain what I feel for you. "I love you" seems run-of-the-mill and glib. I look at you and I know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Nothing I wouldn't give to you. In the aftermath of hurt, fear, rejection and distress it forgives all things. It accepts all things. It loves all things. It is a depth of feeling that just keeps giving with no expectation of anything given in return. It doesn't need it. It is sufficient unto itself. A never-ending fountain of fresh spring water that fills all the holes and cracks. I have prayed often that God show me what it is like to love someone unconditionally, to show me what it means to give selflessly to another. Be careful what you pray for. I never in my wildest imaginings thought it would unfold like this. It has come at a cost so great it seems cruel and yet it isn't harsh or agonizing. It is soft and yielding. I died a million times to myself to feel and experience this. I willingly accept a million more. It is a the most beautiful gift that Life has ever bestowed upon me and it is not mine to keep. I give it wholly and completely to you. Do with it what you will. You will walk your path in this life and I will be where you desire me to be. I know I will love and support you every step of the way. In the end there are no words except....I love you.
