What you say, what you do...

We live in a world where we are constantly in a mode of communication. We use cellphones, emails and numerous other modalities to convey our thoughts and express ourselves through words to one another. However, what is one to believe at the end of the day, what we say or what we do??? The old adage that actions speak louder than words holds much wisdom. Often I find myself saying something that I don't necessarily or entirely believe to be true. I may be to afraid to say what I really feel, or I may just desire to avoid a fight that I am sure (in my mind) will ensue or I just feel if I say what I have to say, it may hurt another persons feelings. Yet, underneath all this is how I really feel and I can bet at some point I will find myself acting out my deepest, truest beliefs. If I am not careful that my words and thoughts are congruent with my actions, in the end, I have not spared anyone the uncomfortable or painful truth of how I really feel or what I truly think. We avoid being direct and truthful all the time. Why as a society have we not come to respect and honour the courage and love that it takes for someone to say something in a honest, integrous and loving manner, even if the truth sometimes hurts? Of course it is painful sometimes, that's why we put up with people lying to us or readily believe the sugar coated half- assed truth version of their opinions. At the end of the day, I would rather have your truth. Then and only then, can I decide for myself what I am going to do about it. When we do not stand together in a desire to assist one another in living more fully and freely, we keep ourselves locked in "safe" little boxes that rob us of the genuine opportunity for change. I love it when someone says, "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you." Really? Actually, I think you didn't tell me because you didn't want to deal with the consequences of your actions and truth. And for the record, now that I know, do you really believe it hurts less now than if you had told me the truth up front?!! Come on...now I have been lied to and the hurt is that much deeper. At the end of the day, I desire truth. I have my own act to clean up with this. I see my own failings and avoidances. In acknowledging that and desiring better of myself in relationships, I honour myself, I find integrity and courage within myself and I see very clearly what I will tolerate and what I will not in others. Yes, I expect the same courtesy and respect returned. Anything less is sabotaging the person I choose to be. So when you tell me what you think and when I see what you do, I am left with no choice but to believe your actions. For didn't you once tell me that the best predictor of people's future actions are the choices and behaviours they have chosen in the past...

The Dark Spot

This summer has been one of the most difficult, challenging and fulfilling seasons of my life. Needless to say, I am ready for the Fall Solstice to come upon me. I have been wrestling with inner demons that have conveniently come to play out within my life. My deepest fears and insecurities are being lived right now. I stand in the quake of everything I have tried very desperately never to go through in my life. Yet here it is. The pain in excrutiating. It stabs so deep, the wound never seems to stop bleeding. It seems sometimes that a beautiful healing scab has formed and given time, a faint white scar may be visible or maybe not at all, if the cut heals well. Unfortunately, it seems the wound still desires to weep. I do not know how to step or transcend beyond this dark cold place that sits just above my navel. It twists and turns, and leaves me in a cold sweat if my attention begins to ruminate in it. It hurts..it hurts so much. How do I move beyond this??? How do I heal this??? I believe I cannot. Something much greater than I is needed. I have tried to rationalize this ache, to deny this ache, to curse and judge this ache. It hasn't changed. It still pierces straight through me. It taints all my perceptions of trust, and it creates suspicion. Unfairly I judge others, question their motives, their actions, their words. It seems to smother all goodness and truth that exists. I desire for truth and goodness to absorb and transform it. The dark spot is a hole that longs to be filled; the challenge arises when I am on my knees, buckled over and breathless in the pain, to choose to fill that hole with something greater and transcendent that I know nothing about....