The Dark Spot

This summer has been one of the most difficult, challenging and fulfilling seasons of my life. Needless to say, I am ready for the Fall Solstice to come upon me. I have been wrestling with inner demons that have conveniently come to play out within my life. My deepest fears and insecurities are being lived right now. I stand in the quake of everything I have tried very desperately never to go through in my life. Yet here it is. The pain in excrutiating. It stabs so deep, the wound never seems to stop bleeding. It seems sometimes that a beautiful healing scab has formed and given time, a faint white scar may be visible or maybe not at all, if the cut heals well. Unfortunately, it seems the wound still desires to weep. I do not know how to step or transcend beyond this dark cold place that sits just above my navel. It twists and turns, and leaves me in a cold sweat if my attention begins to ruminate in it. It hurts..it hurts so much. How do I move beyond this??? How do I heal this??? I believe I cannot. Something much greater than I is needed. I have tried to rationalize this ache, to deny this ache, to curse and judge this ache. It hasn't changed. It still pierces straight through me. It taints all my perceptions of trust, and it creates suspicion. Unfairly I judge others, question their motives, their actions, their words. It seems to smother all goodness and truth that exists. I desire for truth and goodness to absorb and transform it. The dark spot is a hole that longs to be filled; the challenge arises when I am on my knees, buckled over and breathless in the pain, to choose to fill that hole with something greater and transcendent that I know nothing about....