Bittersweet Symphony

The last few days I have heard the song Bittersweet Symphony being played quite randomly and each time it caught my attention I stopped, and began to ponder the bittersweetness of life. As I listened I thought about how life is a symphony of experiences, choices, relationships, moments, feelings and emotions. All of these can seem pretty bitter at times and at other moments, very sweet. We usually experience the bitter and the sweet separately. They seem mutally exclusive. And depending on how one views life and their experiences there can be more or less of either of these two realities. However, I am convinced that these two apparent polar opposite actualities in fact do occur together. They actually coexist at the same time, in the same moment that the experiencer is experiencing the unfolding event before them. I know from my own reflection that when I am in a situation where I am feeling anguish, there is also a kindness present as well. It takes a wider perspective and I have to step out of the personal agenda I am focused on creating and intentionally view the situation from many different angles. In doing this, a soft gentleness holds the harshness and the sweetness of life begins to permeate it all and change it. It becomes less hurtful, painful, and intrusive. Healing, allowing and acceptance flower in a place where only moments, days, weeks, or years before there seemed only to be rubbish and painful memories strewn. The symphony of life doesn't ask us to acknowledge only the sweetness and negate the bitterness, or live in either of these experiences exclusively. It is asking us to allow the gentle sweetness to soften the harshness and allow the bitterness to mold and give context to the sweetness. It is only here that we will begin to appreciate the gifts of both of these beautiful perspectives. When placed together in a partnership that is necessary for life to have meaning and depth these seemingly polar opposites that were once believed to be unreconcilable, begin to create the beautiful bittersweet symphony of your life and the rose is more glorious because of it's thorns.

What you say, what you do...

We live in a world where we are constantly in a mode of communication. We use cellphones, emails and numerous other modalities to convey our thoughts and express ourselves through words to one another. However, what is one to believe at the end of the day, what we say or what we do??? The old adage that actions speak louder than words holds much wisdom. Often I find myself saying something that I don't necessarily or entirely believe to be true. I may be to afraid to say what I really feel, or I may just desire to avoid a fight that I am sure (in my mind) will ensue or I just feel if I say what I have to say, it may hurt another persons feelings. Yet, underneath all this is how I really feel and I can bet at some point I will find myself acting out my deepest, truest beliefs. If I am not careful that my words and thoughts are congruent with my actions, in the end, I have not spared anyone the uncomfortable or painful truth of how I really feel or what I truly think. We avoid being direct and truthful all the time. Why as a society have we not come to respect and honour the courage and love that it takes for someone to say something in a honest, integrous and loving manner, even if the truth sometimes hurts? Of course it is painful sometimes, that's why we put up with people lying to us or readily believe the sugar coated half- assed truth version of their opinions. At the end of the day, I would rather have your truth. Then and only then, can I decide for myself what I am going to do about it. When we do not stand together in a desire to assist one another in living more fully and freely, we keep ourselves locked in "safe" little boxes that rob us of the genuine opportunity for change. I love it when someone says, "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you." Really? Actually, I think you didn't tell me because you didn't want to deal with the consequences of your actions and truth. And for the record, now that I know, do you really believe it hurts less now than if you had told me the truth up front?!! Come on...now I have been lied to and the hurt is that much deeper. At the end of the day, I desire truth. I have my own act to clean up with this. I see my own failings and avoidances. In acknowledging that and desiring better of myself in relationships, I honour myself, I find integrity and courage within myself and I see very clearly what I will tolerate and what I will not in others. Yes, I expect the same courtesy and respect returned. Anything less is sabotaging the person I choose to be. So when you tell me what you think and when I see what you do, I am left with no choice but to believe your actions. For didn't you once tell me that the best predictor of people's future actions are the choices and behaviours they have chosen in the past...

The Dark Spot

This summer has been one of the most difficult, challenging and fulfilling seasons of my life. Needless to say, I am ready for the Fall Solstice to come upon me. I have been wrestling with inner demons that have conveniently come to play out within my life. My deepest fears and insecurities are being lived right now. I stand in the quake of everything I have tried very desperately never to go through in my life. Yet here it is. The pain in excrutiating. It stabs so deep, the wound never seems to stop bleeding. It seems sometimes that a beautiful healing scab has formed and given time, a faint white scar may be visible or maybe not at all, if the cut heals well. Unfortunately, it seems the wound still desires to weep. I do not know how to step or transcend beyond this dark cold place that sits just above my navel. It twists and turns, and leaves me in a cold sweat if my attention begins to ruminate in it. It hurts..it hurts so much. How do I move beyond this??? How do I heal this??? I believe I cannot. Something much greater than I is needed. I have tried to rationalize this ache, to deny this ache, to curse and judge this ache. It hasn't changed. It still pierces straight through me. It taints all my perceptions of trust, and it creates suspicion. Unfairly I judge others, question their motives, their actions, their words. It seems to smother all goodness and truth that exists. I desire for truth and goodness to absorb and transform it. The dark spot is a hole that longs to be filled; the challenge arises when I am on my knees, buckled over and breathless in the pain, to choose to fill that hole with something greater and transcendent that I know nothing about....

Words

I love words. I always have. I take great pleasure in learning a new obscure word in the english language. Then I let the word roll around on my lips and tongue as I create imaginative ways in which I can use it in my everyday vernacular. My husband often calls "bullshit" a lot on my word plays. It is childish play when I run to the dictionary to "prove" I have used this less commonly heard word properly. Doing this with him is one of my favorite things. It makes me smile just to write about it. However, lately I have been thinking about the insufficiency of words.... how they are so limited in their capacity to convey the truth of the heart. I believe when I try to relay in words something from that deep heartfelt place it becomes transformed and diminished on some level in the language of the mind. It is frustrating for me to hear what I am saying, attempting to describe something which is indescribable and knowing deep within my soul it isn't anywhere close to the feelings I am experiencing. Can a parent ever come close to using the english language as a way to explain to their children the depths of devotion and unconditional love them have for them? I am sure any parent reading this will know exactly what I mean. The words just don't cut it. They seem so inadequate in the moment of the feeling being experienced. There are no words for it. I cannot in a million words or in a million different languages even try to explain what I feel for you. "I love you" seems run-of-the-mill and glib. I look at you and I know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Nothing I wouldn't give to you. In the aftermath of hurt, fear, rejection and distress it forgives all things. It accepts all things. It loves all things. It is a depth of feeling that just keeps giving with no expectation of anything given in return. It doesn't need it. It is sufficient unto itself. A never-ending fountain of fresh spring water that fills all the holes and cracks. I have prayed often that God show me what it is like to love someone unconditionally, to show me what it means to give selflessly to another. Be careful what you pray for. I never in my wildest imaginings thought it would unfold like this. It has come at a cost so great it seems cruel and yet it isn't harsh or agonizing. It is soft and yielding. I died a million times to myself to feel and experience this. I willingly accept a million more. It is a the most beautiful gift that Life has ever bestowed upon me and it is not mine to keep. I give it wholly and completely to you. Do with it what you will. You will walk your path in this life and I will be where you desire me to be. I know I will love and support you every step of the way. In the end there are no words except....I love you.

Life Lessons

Eventually we are asked to get off the ride. It has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, twists and turns, and sometimes a little coasting. However, it must come to a stop at some point. It has to or else we couldn't or wouldn't start again on a bigger, more challenging and exciting ride. There has been laughter and tears, joy and sorrow. It has been horribly terrifying and heartbreaking while paradoxically, liberating and exhilarating. I once commented to a wonderful person I know that I had been well loved in my life. Yes, it is true. I have been loved; I am loved. However, what I failed at that time to comprehend or even contemplate was this: Had I loved well in my life? Sadly, that answer has been no. However, I never fathomed in a million years what it would mean to me or could mean to me to do so. I probably wouldn't have even asked God to show me what it was like to love unconditionally, to be able to forgive all that did and did not happen before, if I had known where that prayer would eventually lead me. This is what I have come to learn. It is better to give than to receive, for in doing so, true freedom and love are found. I have been shown over and over again my liberation lies in giving my heart and authentic truth to another without expectations or guarantees. It has also been a great cross to bear. For I stand alone with a heart full of love and compassion, pulling on a deep faith that somehow I have served something greater than myself. However, I also hope someday I will journey this path with someone who will love and hold my heart as much as I can love and hold theirs.

Gathering In

I am struck how life is circular, yet spiral in nature. It is a process of changing seasons, birth and death, light and dark. I cannot know the joy of an experience without also knowing sadness. I believe these processes are so intertwined that one is not occurring without the other right along with it. Sometimes it is very difficult to see love and hate in the same situation. Yet I have learned it is there. There are patterns unfurling as well as I walk my path. Many times I have stopped and realized I have been here before. It may look a different in the outward expression of the experience, but the feelings underneath it are the same. These feelings have become my sacred companions. These feelings push me to go a little deeper, know myself a little more, experience my life more authentically. I have learned to trust that these moments come to serve. Sometimes they elevate me to great joy and triumph. Sometimes they bring me to my knees in surrendered defeat. I have many gray hairs to prove how hard I try not to bend. The darkness always wins in the end. It is my greatest source of wisdom. It has been my greatest teacher. The bleak shroud of midnight brings me to the light of my greatest success and inner power. I have learned to gather in these feelings and look at them honestly in the light of awareness. They are always showing me myself. It is a difficult process, especially the bigger the emotional response. It is far easier to blame another then to see the fault lying at my own feet. Yet I believe if I wish to live a life of freedom, a life of authenticity, love and freedom then I must be willing to sacrifice all I have ever believed to be true about myself and see myself with different eyes. Freedom always begins in my own heart. It always starts with understanding my role in the experience and then forgiving myself for my blindness. Then.... I pour a glass of wine and offer myself a sincere congratulations... I have just experienced a triumph of my soul.

Goliath

When I was a child, I had a recurring dream: I was in the backyard of my house, it is sunny outside. To my left is a tree, it is large and my family is in it. In front of me is Goliath. It is my job to conquer Goliath to save my family. I had this dream over and over again, until finally I conquered Goliath with a little rock I launched into his forehead with a slingshot. I remember standing over him and taking my little rock back, successful in protecting my family. That dream has never faded in my memory. It has probably been over 25 years since I have dreamt it. Yet it still persists in my memory, deeply etched, as if to remind my somehow of what I am still to accomplish. Until recently, I never put much thought into what the image of Goliath could mean to me. I am sure as my life unfolds Goliath will come to signify many different things. One aspect of Goliath that is the glaringly obvious is the representation of all the fears, insecurities and doubts that have challenged me and held me back from living a life fully and completely. Symbolically, I have had to try many times and I have failed many times to succeed in knocking those fears down flat on their back, hoping never to see them again. It is terrifying to know all I have is a pebble and a slingshot, and he has a sword and a shield. I seem so insignificant and powerless. I have wondered how my family (and friends) factor in this. I believe in allowing my fears and insecurites to influence the choices in my life and the way I have related to and interact with others, I have not lived a life I would call fulfilling or deeply connected. I have pushed loved ones away, I have hidden behind masks of cool detachment, I have held my heart and soul very close and never allowed anyone a glimpse at the "real" me. I have pretended to be okay, when I have been far from it. I have killed parts of myself that were too painful to acknowledge. I have, in essence lived a life that was far from rich and meaningful. That understanding and knowledge has come at a great cost and sacrifice. It has caused me to reevaluate my life, my purpose, my dreams and goals from the inside out. It has changed the very foundation upon which I had previously built all perceptions and experiences. Yet, I cannot forget the end of my dream. I am standing over Goliath, triumphant, removing my little stone that conquered and defeated the giant. I have protected my family from his evil grasp. This is the moment of my reckoning. Life will always bring you what you need to grow and to become more fully human. It is a spiral effect. I am standing at the edge of fears and behaviours I have relived many times before, getting ready to launch my simple slingshot; this time knowing that I will use a different angle, an alternative approach which will set me and my family free from the pursuit of demons. I will pull that little pebble from Goliath's forehead and triumphantly stand tall. Knowing deeply I had the power within me all along to master my inner menacing giants.

Miracles

Sometimes I really want to know what God wants from me. I pray and wait.... pray some more....wait and on and on it seems to go. I get really pissed off sometimes at the lack of response (always of course what I desire it to look like) and also the reminder to sit and wait in the shit of it all. I get tired. My soul and my heart are weary. It is here though that the greatest gifts, blessing and graces seem to arrive. I have waited and prayed many years for the miracle I experienced this past weekend. I had given up that it would. I believe it happened because I had finally let go. I surrendered. I released all the past hurts and baggage I had carried into this relationship not knowing I had done so. I healed and accepted all the hurts and sorrows I had experienced and caused during this marriage. I believed I was ready to move on. But sometimes that isn't what God has in mind for us. I think God likes curveballs. Those moments in time that shift something so profoundly that you didn't see it coming, and you can't go back. It is too late; the either/or disappears and all that is left is the AND. Now I am left wondering is it better late than never??? Or, is it just one of those pregnant moments in life where something has been significantly altered and now you are waiting to see what new life will be breathed into it. I don't know. All I know is that I was given the greatest gift a human being can ever experience. I wonder if this is how parents feel about their children. I looked into the eyes of another and saw the Beloved looking back at me and all I wanted to do was love that beloved man with all my heart and soul. I am left waiting again in the shit of it, waiting and praying.....

Dance

I often wonder what the point of all of this is. The pushing and pulling between the tension of opposing forces, always moving me forward. Many times I painstakingly fall back and failure is my companion. It seems to be a bit of a dance. Yet, I wonder who has choreographed the steps. I certainly wasn't privy to the recital. I misstep, stumble and fall flat on my face, very apparently having two left feet. Somehow, and hindsight is such a gift to this, I see that I have learned a few of the moves along the way. I can pirouette, make a leap and even understand when to take the bow. However, Life always has a new routine for me to move into. It never allows me much time to rest and languish in my successes. But Life is kind and it affords me the luxury of bringing my previous accomplishments forward into the new creative expression it wishes me to partake in. It only asks that I courageously expand on the moves I mastered before. And so, it begins again. I most certainly am going to fall, more times then I will stand. I will walk on tired, sore and blistered feet, my body aching from exertion, my mind becoming a void due to exhaustion. However, I know that my beautiful tutu awaits for my arrival. I think it is pink with gold sequins with satin slippers to match. I am going to get on that stage and dance my heart out. It is worth the gamble of failure for God.

A prayer and a pledge

This is my problem Sophia, gentle guide to wisdom and truth, I have been shoving away the possibility that this experience of my dream image is a real and authentic call of my heart. I have tried to make it rational and logical.... something the soul is not. I do not know where this image will go but I know I have to step into the projected reality of my soul and give it a shot. I must... I have to let go of all that has come before and step into this mysterious and unknown world you are beckoning me to dance in. There is clarity in writing this, a peace and tranquilness. I ask you in this making this decision that You please do not let me waiver again. I hurt people, I hurt myself, I hurt You. I am coming Beloved Sophia. It has taken my 2 long years (probably longer) but if you will have me, guide me and hold me, I willingly surrender to your peace, truth, wisdom and love. I can do this. I can become what you desire me to blossom into, although I do not know what that is. I hope and pray you cradle me in your arms. For here at Kanuga my soul feels restored and clarity is witnessed. No fear or regret, just calm knowing. I pledge to you my Beloved soul, my God, that I will follow your calling to allow the third to enter in. I will follow my dreams although it may cause turmoil and change for others. I pledge to do this authentically, lovingly and humbly with forgiveness and grace in my heart. Amen

Collapse

There is a point in a person's life (or maybe just mine) where you have believed you have done everything right. You have committed to people, jobs, belief systems and felt that surely you had life figured out and for awhile, it seems to run smoothly. Then something happens. A job loss, a death, an overwhelming experience of a person or event and all the wheels fall off. It is then that one realizes they barely had their shit together in the first place. It was all some illusory safety net. This happened to me. It all began so subtley, so inconspicuously. I began to question the meaning of my life, my marriage and my role as a woman in society. I had effectively started to see cracks in my perfect little life and all the things I believed were good for me. It turns out, my heart and soul wanted something more from life than my head and ego. It wanted depth, intimacy, relatedness, mystery and deep passionate, soul burning love. It want to feel alive and connected to something far greater than the surface trappings of life. It wanted to feel known by someone else without ever saying a word. This is a tall order, especially since it is 180 degrees from what I had previously believed to be safe, secure and desireable. However, those ideals was no longer feeding my soul. Oh, how I fought this urge, effectively ignored it for many years. I went to school, got a good job, married a great guy, bought a house..... I was on the path to success and freedom, or so I thought. I never dreamt that success and freedom had nothing to do with those things. So here I am, at 32 years of age and I have completely destroyed and torn apart my life for dreaming something more for myself. I tried desperately to cling to the way that had come before. I believed I was asking too much from Life, from God. Maybe I am. I am terrified that I am. I am scared shitless to be standing here on this point of collapse and ruin, begging God to remove all the desires and dreams of my heart and soul, to take me back to the time before I began to ask questions. But He does not. He burns the call to something more, to something different, to Eros and Life deep within my psyche. He will not let me go back to simpler times. For that woman no longer exists anymore. She has been ruined.