Goliath

When I was a child, I had a recurring dream: I was in the backyard of my house, it is sunny outside. To my left is a tree, it is large and my family is in it. In front of me is Goliath. It is my job to conquer Goliath to save my family. I had this dream over and over again, until finally I conquered Goliath with a little rock I launched into his forehead with a slingshot. I remember standing over him and taking my little rock back, successful in protecting my family. That dream has never faded in my memory. It has probably been over 25 years since I have dreamt it. Yet it still persists in my memory, deeply etched, as if to remind my somehow of what I am still to accomplish. Until recently, I never put much thought into what the image of Goliath could mean to me. I am sure as my life unfolds Goliath will come to signify many different things. One aspect of Goliath that is the glaringly obvious is the representation of all the fears, insecurities and doubts that have challenged me and held me back from living a life fully and completely. Symbolically, I have had to try many times and I have failed many times to succeed in knocking those fears down flat on their back, hoping never to see them again. It is terrifying to know all I have is a pebble and a slingshot, and he has a sword and a shield. I seem so insignificant and powerless. I have wondered how my family (and friends) factor in this. I believe in allowing my fears and insecurites to influence the choices in my life and the way I have related to and interact with others, I have not lived a life I would call fulfilling or deeply connected. I have pushed loved ones away, I have hidden behind masks of cool detachment, I have held my heart and soul very close and never allowed anyone a glimpse at the "real" me. I have pretended to be okay, when I have been far from it. I have killed parts of myself that were too painful to acknowledge. I have, in essence lived a life that was far from rich and meaningful. That understanding and knowledge has come at a great cost and sacrifice. It has caused me to reevaluate my life, my purpose, my dreams and goals from the inside out. It has changed the very foundation upon which I had previously built all perceptions and experiences. Yet, I cannot forget the end of my dream. I am standing over Goliath, triumphant, removing my little stone that conquered and defeated the giant. I have protected my family from his evil grasp. This is the moment of my reckoning. Life will always bring you what you need to grow and to become more fully human. It is a spiral effect. I am standing at the edge of fears and behaviours I have relived many times before, getting ready to launch my simple slingshot; this time knowing that I will use a different angle, an alternative approach which will set me and my family free from the pursuit of demons. I will pull that little pebble from Goliath's forehead and triumphantly stand tall. Knowing deeply I had the power within me all along to master my inner menacing giants.