I just finished walking a labyrinth at Mount Carmel. I was alone on this walk today. I had the glorious opportunity to meander along the white circular path at my own pace, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, sometimes dancing a step or two and even at times experiencing a misstep. The labyrinth sings to my heart and soul a different song each time I embark on its soothing meditative walk. The song heard today stilled my soul and opened my mind and senses to just being in the moment. I seemed to float around the labyrinth as I focused on my feet, the music in my ears and even the way my hair brushed my face. I had the profound sense today that Life was perfect. Nothing to be done or undone, just an honoring of what is. This path we walk in Life can be done in many ways, in many expressions. Some of us run, some of us saunter and most of us stumble and fall more times than we would like to admit. But we all eventually arrive at our final destination. The gift in the journey is remembering to savor each placed footfall on the path as it unfolds unknown before us. I believe there is great wisdom is the saying "Stop and smell the roses". May we all make a few more frequent stops along our trek and sense the gloriousness of Life around us.

Brokenness

The following was written a few days ago after I had commenced upon reading with voracity a book called "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser.  I have written similar passages before in my journal.  The inner longings and desires burning brightly within, but not spoken out loud.  A chapter in the book deeply touched my heart, I resonated with the brokenness feeling.  The intensity of sorrow and loss that I once experienced so many years ago.  It was a time to embark on the difficult journey to climb out of the ashes and begin anew, or lose myself in tears and sadness.  I stepped very timidly on that path, not certain if I would finish the trek.  As I read this chapter, I needed to write and express exactly what this journey of deep inner healing has created within me.  I love words, I find myself in words, and at times they cannot even skim the surface of how I feel.  This is the best I can do right now:

God, break this heart wide open-to know your fullness and grace in its entirety.  I feel I am living a half-lived life; numbly going through the motions, panic-stricken at moments when I feel I should know the answers and I don't.  Why do I fear the unknown?  Through the eyes of ego I peer at the world and blanket it in ignorance. I have avoided plunging deeply into the murky depths within me so I can feel safe and secure.  I have been so afraid and terrified of the unknown that lurks around ever dark corner, beckoning me to lose myself in it's mystical darkness.  I do not want to live like this any longer.  I hate this feeling of being disengaged and cut-off,  shrinking from my souls callings, myself and the world.  I pray God you break me open, so deeply that the crevice it too wide to mend, so I can no longer shut my heart and soul away from myself and the world.  I do not know how to get to where I envision how my life would look being lived deeply and completely and wide open.  A freedom like this is what I long for.  I turn to you dearest friend, to lead the way, open the path before me-cast it in a light so invitingly soft that I cannot possibly desire to turn away. 

Broken open, that is what I wish.  It is in my brokenness that I connect with Life.  I am stifled living a life of insecurity, shame, guilt, not-good-enough, is-this-all-there-is-because-this-sucks!, fear, worry, anxiety, sadness and oh so many more human emotions that eat us alive.  In brokenness, comes surrender.  Letting go and release.  I desire to release all that has kept me from living the life I wish to live.  A life of wonder and magic and fullness and love.  So much love, so much gratitude.  Thank you God.  For without your guiding light I would be lost in the land of darkness.

Aren't AHA Moments Great!!

I attended a meditation tonight.  Wasn't really sure why I agreed to go at the time.  It was spontaneous and impulsive.  It was the best decision I have made in a while.  Wouldn't it be great if all my impulsive decision turned out to be so rewarding.  We spent an hour and a bit doing some guided meditation and all of a sudden out of the blue the facilitator asks if we would like to try a past life regression technique.  Well, I am always for a little past life hook up with friends and family so I chimed in that I wouldn't mind if we did it.  She asked us to focus on someone and I immediately knew who my person would be.  I have been wanting to understand this crazy connection I feel to this person and this was my opportunity.  What I experienced during that regression was over in about 1 minute I am sure, but the ramifications of the event experienced will change my life forever from this moment forward.  I am amazed at how quickly things can be placed into a new perspective and it is like a light bulb goes off.  Oh....I see now, holy shit, you mean I have been wasting all this time feeling sorry, guilty, ashamed and blaming myself and that is all that this was about!!!  OMG!!!  This makes it so different and hilariously laughable.  I have spent years, I mean YEARS trying to understand why this person is still bobbing around in my head, attempting to piece together some semblance of meaning about the whole thing.  There is meaning alright, it just wasn't at all what I expected.   There are so many layers to this one-minute gift.  My husband was also in this past life, and the role he played then and the role he played in this lifetime makes so much sense.  I get it, I get it, I get it.  It amazes me how life always gives you second chance somewhere to make it right.  Thank you B.  I have never, ever given you the credit you have deserved.  You were my guardian angel.  You came into my life when I need you most, and you helped and supported me while I crawled out of a despair I believe could have consumed me.  I hope from this moment all, with a clearer vision and a deeper understanding the past will be healed.  All debts and karma released.  I wish that for all involved in my past life event and for everyone else still carrying around a past they are not even aware of....yet.

Seeing My Own Shadow

I have had this companion for most of my life I am sure.  I will call it the Shadow.  I usually ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist or influence me in anyway.  However, I have realized I am in severe denial.  Lately I have felt my life to be in a rut, to put it mildly.  I have blamed and cursed almost everything in my life for creating these uncomfortable and unwanted feelings within myself.  Who doesn't want their life to be completely roses?  I finally realized that I had a problem with almost every major aspect of my life: marriage, money and career and the common denominator was me. So I finally asked myself-Sara, what are all these things pointing to?  What are they showing you?  In a few short words, I am quite effectively stopping myself from flowing with Life.  I am terrified of letting go and letting change happen, especially when I don't know if I will like the outcome.  Don't get me wrong, I keep telling myself I want something to change, anything, but....I sabotage myself over and over again and I have been so unaware of it.  Until now.  The Shadow, very discreetly has been trying to get my attention for a while.  A poke here, a little nudge there, until I can no longer ignore it's subtleties.  It has my attention now.  Although this shadow has caused me grief for awhile, I am thankful for it putting up with my denial.  It hasn't shown me a positive aspect of myself, but it has revealed to me a negative coping mechanism I have used time and again: defensiveness, anger, inflexibility etc, just to keep myself at distance from change and acknowledging my fear.  I now know I believe change will hurt.  Yet, this is so untrue.  Change has brought so many wonderful things into my life.  It is only when I have resisted change that it has hurt and truthfully I have only hurt myself by hurting others with my negative behaviour.  So today I thank the shadow.  I see the patterns I use when I know something is coming down the line, and I don't want to look at it.  I have put my glasses on and I have left the blinders behind.  Change is coming, it is inevitable, nothing in life stays the same.  I now step into a new paradigm, a positive, life affirming behaviour with this awareness lighting the way.  I am stepping out of the shadow (finally) into the sunshine.  

The Quiet

Tonight I find little to write about.  It is quiet within me.  A place where what has come before has been acknowledged and reflected upon; the moment where what comes next is unknown and unfathomable.  It is soft and gentle.  A space of release and rejuvenation.  The work has been tedious, at times, unbearable and anguished.  Tears shed, beliefs shattered, heart rend wide open for all to see.  Questions tend to arise here but so ethereal is their nature, they effortlessly float into the background.  They are not really all that important right now.  Tomorrow is a new day.  What will arise, who knows.  Here, I wait serenely, knowing the velvet darkness of night will surround and sanctify this sacred space.  I call this The Quiet.  Where all falls away and the mind is still, the body relaxed, the stillness of Life experienced.  I surrender to this Quiet.  It is welcomed.  It is a gift, a grace, an offering.  So tonight I sink into this place of inky darkness and emptiness.  I feel like a blank slate or a book that has yet to written.  The ending is up to me.

First Times

I must thank my friends and family for the daily inspirations they provide me to write about.  Today's is courtesy of my beautiful niece.  She rolled over today, her first time.  A major accomplishment in the world of infants.  Her triumph today immediately reminded me of a few of my own: first day of school, first kiss, first home etc.  Our lives are full of very important firsts and rights of passage.  But what happens to all those other moments that may not be categorized as "first times"?  Getting out of bed for the first time today, (okay, I had a nap this afternoon), the first cuddle my dogs and I had, the first time I saw my co-workers, my first glorious sip of Timmy's coffee.  These all happened for the first time today.  Why do I lump them all together in an endless stream of seemingly familiar daily activities?  I had never experienced those moments before, but somehow I had forgotten to pay attention to the newness of those moments, to feel the aliveness and appreciation for life as they unfold.  Our lives, everyday, begin anew.  And yet, most of our daily experiences are chalked up to responsibilities, same-olds and been-there-done-that's.  We have forgotten to experience every moment of our lives as a new moment, something to savour and pay attention to.  We miss so much of our lives as we quickly finish the task at hand, while our minds have already jumped to the next to-do list item.  If I knew today were my last day to walk on this earth, I wouldn't miss one single moment, not even the most miniscule part.  I would appreciate every single person, every single breath, every beautiful bird song.  How do I manage to miss these things almost daily?  I forget that these things have never happened before, I take for granted that all I have is this moment, right now.  As I write this, I am crying, because right now, I feel so alive and grateful.  I have never been here before, in this bed, writing this blog, feeling these feelings.  This is the only place where my life can be experienced.  Right now. Right here.... there is no place I would rather be.

True Friendships

Today I had the pleasure of enjoying a relaxing brunch with my husband and dear friends.  We had not seen each in 6 months and any contact in the meantime was by email.  I am always amazed at how quickly time passes.  It astounds me even further that in those few hours between bites of egg and bacon, no time seems to have passed at all.  We pick up where we left off, the interaction easy and effortless.  I have been blessed with many friendships like this.  I do not really understand why.  I am not a great correspondent.  I hardly ever spend the hours I did as a teenager on the phone catching up.  Email, and now recently Facebook, have been been my main lifeline to friends.  This is what I have come to appreciate and love about true friendships.  They don't care if you haven't called in 6 months or forgotten a birthday.  They don't lay guilt trips or create expectations.  True friendships accept you exactly as you are.  True friendships are grateful for your presence in their life and appreciate any time or effort made to reconnect.  True friendships leave you a better person than you were before you knew that friend.  Lastly, a true and you-will-always-be-in-my-life-no-matter-what friendship, after a two hour breakfast squeezed in on a quick trip through the city before heading home, leaves you with joy in your heart, laughter on your lips, deep felt gratitude and appreciation for the blessing of this friendship in your life.

Changing the World

At work today an interesting conversation arose between my coworkers and I.  It all started with the comment about how the young people of the world today are taking too much on their shoulders by wanting to change the world.  I for one do not believe I would be considered among the young people of the world and yet I do believe it is possible to change the world.  I hope never to lose this vision or feeling.  Does it mean that I can alter the world globally?  Does that even matter?  Did Jesus or Buddha set out to change the global face of the world?  How about King Henry VIII, or Bill Gates?  I for one do not believe so.  I think they took it one step at a time, unaware of the overall ramifications of their actions.  So, can I change the world?  I believe I can change my own inner world.  I can change the way I create my responses to people, circumstances and my thoughts and feelings.  I am a far more powerful creator than I was ever led to believe.  The fact that each and every part of creation exists changes the world.  I change the world with a genuine thank you.  I change the world when I look into the eyes of someone and tell them just how important they are to me.  I change the world when I forgive myself.  I change the world when I decide to live authentically and honestly.  My world has been changed by those who have created examples out of their actions that give my inspiration, hope and empowerment.  I have been accused of being an idealist and naive.  Maybe I am, maybe I am not.  It doesn't really matter.  What matters to me is that I believe I have the ability to change my world and my interaction with those that share this world with me.  For me, that is enough.

Much Ado About Nothing.

Much ado about nothing.  That is what I have come to appreciate about the dramas my thoughts create within me.  I spent 3-4 hours ruminating over an incident I had at work today.  I even felt it rising within me as the whole scenario unfolded.  I choose to ignore the warning signals, the little nudges that let me know I may be completely way off in left field.  The whole thing escalated from that point onward.  I literally spent a few hours rehashing the whole scenario, she said, I said, blah blah blah.  How much of my life am I going to waste on these completely useless replays?  The good news is that I finally admitted to myself that I am only trying to make myself right and the other person wrong.  It's funny, the second I can admit the truth to myself and accept my wrong thinking and flaws, the whole incident loses it energy to distract me further.  It is quite laughable at how long I hold onto these stories.  Much ado about nothing... nothing important anyway.  I can feel my arteries thanking me for letting this story go.

What do I know for sure?

What do I know for sure?  I came across this question while reading O magazine at the gym.  The article was about people who had wise answers to this question.  I never made it to their comments.  I was so riveted by this question, that I continued to ponder it for awhile.  So...what do I know for sure?  Fortunately, not much.  I am grateful this insight, although, I still at times catch myself pursuing avenues of thought that convince me that I do know something, especially what I think is absolutely right for someone or something.  Of course, being the oldest sibling has definitely groomed me for this automatic, habitual thought process.  Doesn't being the oldest mean you know what is best?  Luckily some of my greatest humbling lessons have come from my siblings.  I have learned, painfully at times, that I do not know what is best, and when I hold on to thinking that I do know what is best for others, I really miss out on learning and understanding something about them.  What do I know for sure?  I am sure I really, truly, honestly know nothing.  So paradoxical, to be sure about nothing.   Yet, it is here in this place of openness and curiosity that I truly experience the wholeness and perfection of life and people.  My hope is to always remember I do not know.  Please show me.

What's In a Dream?

Have you ever had a dream?  I have a dream.  I want to be a children's book writer, I want to write, period.  I suppose that is why a blog site appeals to me so much.  My dream blossomed later than most of my peers.  I knew I wanted to get married, have a good career and children, I never thought much beyond that.  I didn't even fantasize about my wedding day.  I have accomplished two of these goals, except children.  Somehow the hollow, unfulfilled feeling the other two accomplishments left me with, created the hesitation to jump on board the mommy train.  I knew having a family would be fulfilling on many levels, but it isn't the soul gratifying, passionate, following my dreams kind of fulfilling I am looking for.  I have spent the last few years trying to figure out what it is I am yearning for.  I don't know if I ever will know that answer.  Maybe I don't want to .  Somehow in the searching a tension is created within me that keeps pushing me forward, looking for something more, something deeper.  What I have come to understand about myself is that I am at my best when I am writing.  Words allow my the opportunity to achieve clarity.  I have a dream.  Writing.  I hope I always have a dream.  Dreams push me out of my safe, secure world.  Dreams make our hearts sing, and our souls fly.  Never give up on your dreams.  It would be a life not fully lived.

Contemplative Prayer

I am writing a paper today on contemplative prayer as part of the curriculum for the Spiritual Director program at Haden Institute.  As I was writing this paper and discussing what contemplative prayer was, I began writing how most of us are doing contemplative prayer without even realizing.  For example, watching children playing carefree and gaily and our hearts are opened with joy and love.  We usually believe the children playing have evoked these emotions within ourselves, and yet it is not the act of the children playing that creates these feelings, they already exist within us.  The children playing was only an exterior event that captivated our attention long enough for our minds to quieten and allow our true nature to gently arise within.  Prayer, meditation, contemplation etc., whatever we wish to call it, is so often left to a scheduled time in our daily life, where we can enter a place of stillness and silence.  Those are truly sacred, special moments.  However I challenge people to live a contemplative life while engaging fully in the world.  Creating within our daily activities an intention and awareness of living consciously, we may just experience our entire lives being lived as a prayer.