Brokenness

The following was written a few days ago after I had commenced upon reading with voracity a book called "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser.  I have written similar passages before in my journal.  The inner longings and desires burning brightly within, but not spoken out loud.  A chapter in the book deeply touched my heart, I resonated with the brokenness feeling.  The intensity of sorrow and loss that I once experienced so many years ago.  It was a time to embark on the difficult journey to climb out of the ashes and begin anew, or lose myself in tears and sadness.  I stepped very timidly on that path, not certain if I would finish the trek.  As I read this chapter, I needed to write and express exactly what this journey of deep inner healing has created within me.  I love words, I find myself in words, and at times they cannot even skim the surface of how I feel.  This is the best I can do right now:

God, break this heart wide open-to know your fullness and grace in its entirety.  I feel I am living a half-lived life; numbly going through the motions, panic-stricken at moments when I feel I should know the answers and I don't.  Why do I fear the unknown?  Through the eyes of ego I peer at the world and blanket it in ignorance. I have avoided plunging deeply into the murky depths within me so I can feel safe and secure.  I have been so afraid and terrified of the unknown that lurks around ever dark corner, beckoning me to lose myself in it's mystical darkness.  I do not want to live like this any longer.  I hate this feeling of being disengaged and cut-off,  shrinking from my souls callings, myself and the world.  I pray God you break me open, so deeply that the crevice it too wide to mend, so I can no longer shut my heart and soul away from myself and the world.  I do not know how to get to where I envision how my life would look being lived deeply and completely and wide open.  A freedom like this is what I long for.  I turn to you dearest friend, to lead the way, open the path before me-cast it in a light so invitingly soft that I cannot possibly desire to turn away. 

Broken open, that is what I wish.  It is in my brokenness that I connect with Life.  I am stifled living a life of insecurity, shame, guilt, not-good-enough, is-this-all-there-is-because-this-sucks!, fear, worry, anxiety, sadness and oh so many more human emotions that eat us alive.  In brokenness, comes surrender.  Letting go and release.  I desire to release all that has kept me from living the life I wish to live.  A life of wonder and magic and fullness and love.  So much love, so much gratitude.  Thank you God.  For without your guiding light I would be lost in the land of darkness.