Life Lessons

Eventually we are asked to get off the ride. It has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, twists and turns, and sometimes a little coasting. However, it must come to a stop at some point. It has to or else we couldn't or wouldn't start again on a bigger, more challenging and exciting ride. There has been laughter and tears, joy and sorrow. It has been horribly terrifying and heartbreaking while paradoxically, liberating and exhilarating. I once commented to a wonderful person I know that I had been well loved in my life. Yes, it is true. I have been loved; I am loved. However, what I failed at that time to comprehend or even contemplate was this: Had I loved well in my life? Sadly, that answer has been no. However, I never fathomed in a million years what it would mean to me or could mean to me to do so. I probably wouldn't have even asked God to show me what it was like to love unconditionally, to be able to forgive all that did and did not happen before, if I had known where that prayer would eventually lead me. This is what I have come to learn. It is better to give than to receive, for in doing so, true freedom and love are found. I have been shown over and over again my liberation lies in giving my heart and authentic truth to another without expectations or guarantees. It has also been a great cross to bear. For I stand alone with a heart full of love and compassion, pulling on a deep faith that somehow I have served something greater than myself. However, I also hope someday I will journey this path with someone who will love and hold my heart as much as I can love and hold theirs.

Gathering In

I am struck how life is circular, yet spiral in nature. It is a process of changing seasons, birth and death, light and dark. I cannot know the joy of an experience without also knowing sadness. I believe these processes are so intertwined that one is not occurring without the other right along with it. Sometimes it is very difficult to see love and hate in the same situation. Yet I have learned it is there. There are patterns unfurling as well as I walk my path. Many times I have stopped and realized I have been here before. It may look a different in the outward expression of the experience, but the feelings underneath it are the same. These feelings have become my sacred companions. These feelings push me to go a little deeper, know myself a little more, experience my life more authentically. I have learned to trust that these moments come to serve. Sometimes they elevate me to great joy and triumph. Sometimes they bring me to my knees in surrendered defeat. I have many gray hairs to prove how hard I try not to bend. The darkness always wins in the end. It is my greatest source of wisdom. It has been my greatest teacher. The bleak shroud of midnight brings me to the light of my greatest success and inner power. I have learned to gather in these feelings and look at them honestly in the light of awareness. They are always showing me myself. It is a difficult process, especially the bigger the emotional response. It is far easier to blame another then to see the fault lying at my own feet. Yet I believe if I wish to live a life of freedom, a life of authenticity, love and freedom then I must be willing to sacrifice all I have ever believed to be true about myself and see myself with different eyes. Freedom always begins in my own heart. It always starts with understanding my role in the experience and then forgiving myself for my blindness. Then.... I pour a glass of wine and offer myself a sincere congratulations... I have just experienced a triumph of my soul.

Goliath

When I was a child, I had a recurring dream: I was in the backyard of my house, it is sunny outside. To my left is a tree, it is large and my family is in it. In front of me is Goliath. It is my job to conquer Goliath to save my family. I had this dream over and over again, until finally I conquered Goliath with a little rock I launched into his forehead with a slingshot. I remember standing over him and taking my little rock back, successful in protecting my family. That dream has never faded in my memory. It has probably been over 25 years since I have dreamt it. Yet it still persists in my memory, deeply etched, as if to remind my somehow of what I am still to accomplish. Until recently, I never put much thought into what the image of Goliath could mean to me. I am sure as my life unfolds Goliath will come to signify many different things. One aspect of Goliath that is the glaringly obvious is the representation of all the fears, insecurities and doubts that have challenged me and held me back from living a life fully and completely. Symbolically, I have had to try many times and I have failed many times to succeed in knocking those fears down flat on their back, hoping never to see them again. It is terrifying to know all I have is a pebble and a slingshot, and he has a sword and a shield. I seem so insignificant and powerless. I have wondered how my family (and friends) factor in this. I believe in allowing my fears and insecurites to influence the choices in my life and the way I have related to and interact with others, I have not lived a life I would call fulfilling or deeply connected. I have pushed loved ones away, I have hidden behind masks of cool detachment, I have held my heart and soul very close and never allowed anyone a glimpse at the "real" me. I have pretended to be okay, when I have been far from it. I have killed parts of myself that were too painful to acknowledge. I have, in essence lived a life that was far from rich and meaningful. That understanding and knowledge has come at a great cost and sacrifice. It has caused me to reevaluate my life, my purpose, my dreams and goals from the inside out. It has changed the very foundation upon which I had previously built all perceptions and experiences. Yet, I cannot forget the end of my dream. I am standing over Goliath, triumphant, removing my little stone that conquered and defeated the giant. I have protected my family from his evil grasp. This is the moment of my reckoning. Life will always bring you what you need to grow and to become more fully human. It is a spiral effect. I am standing at the edge of fears and behaviours I have relived many times before, getting ready to launch my simple slingshot; this time knowing that I will use a different angle, an alternative approach which will set me and my family free from the pursuit of demons. I will pull that little pebble from Goliath's forehead and triumphantly stand tall. Knowing deeply I had the power within me all along to master my inner menacing giants.

Miracles

Sometimes I really want to know what God wants from me. I pray and wait.... pray some more....wait and on and on it seems to go. I get really pissed off sometimes at the lack of response (always of course what I desire it to look like) and also the reminder to sit and wait in the shit of it all. I get tired. My soul and my heart are weary. It is here though that the greatest gifts, blessing and graces seem to arrive. I have waited and prayed many years for the miracle I experienced this past weekend. I had given up that it would. I believe it happened because I had finally let go. I surrendered. I released all the past hurts and baggage I had carried into this relationship not knowing I had done so. I healed and accepted all the hurts and sorrows I had experienced and caused during this marriage. I believed I was ready to move on. But sometimes that isn't what God has in mind for us. I think God likes curveballs. Those moments in time that shift something so profoundly that you didn't see it coming, and you can't go back. It is too late; the either/or disappears and all that is left is the AND. Now I am left wondering is it better late than never??? Or, is it just one of those pregnant moments in life where something has been significantly altered and now you are waiting to see what new life will be breathed into it. I don't know. All I know is that I was given the greatest gift a human being can ever experience. I wonder if this is how parents feel about their children. I looked into the eyes of another and saw the Beloved looking back at me and all I wanted to do was love that beloved man with all my heart and soul. I am left waiting again in the shit of it, waiting and praying.....

Dance

I often wonder what the point of all of this is. The pushing and pulling between the tension of opposing forces, always moving me forward. Many times I painstakingly fall back and failure is my companion. It seems to be a bit of a dance. Yet, I wonder who has choreographed the steps. I certainly wasn't privy to the recital. I misstep, stumble and fall flat on my face, very apparently having two left feet. Somehow, and hindsight is such a gift to this, I see that I have learned a few of the moves along the way. I can pirouette, make a leap and even understand when to take the bow. However, Life always has a new routine for me to move into. It never allows me much time to rest and languish in my successes. But Life is kind and it affords me the luxury of bringing my previous accomplishments forward into the new creative expression it wishes me to partake in. It only asks that I courageously expand on the moves I mastered before. And so, it begins again. I most certainly am going to fall, more times then I will stand. I will walk on tired, sore and blistered feet, my body aching from exertion, my mind becoming a void due to exhaustion. However, I know that my beautiful tutu awaits for my arrival. I think it is pink with gold sequins with satin slippers to match. I am going to get on that stage and dance my heart out. It is worth the gamble of failure for God.

A prayer and a pledge

This is my problem Sophia, gentle guide to wisdom and truth, I have been shoving away the possibility that this experience of my dream image is a real and authentic call of my heart. I have tried to make it rational and logical.... something the soul is not. I do not know where this image will go but I know I have to step into the projected reality of my soul and give it a shot. I must... I have to let go of all that has come before and step into this mysterious and unknown world you are beckoning me to dance in. There is clarity in writing this, a peace and tranquilness. I ask you in this making this decision that You please do not let me waiver again. I hurt people, I hurt myself, I hurt You. I am coming Beloved Sophia. It has taken my 2 long years (probably longer) but if you will have me, guide me and hold me, I willingly surrender to your peace, truth, wisdom and love. I can do this. I can become what you desire me to blossom into, although I do not know what that is. I hope and pray you cradle me in your arms. For here at Kanuga my soul feels restored and clarity is witnessed. No fear or regret, just calm knowing. I pledge to you my Beloved soul, my God, that I will follow your calling to allow the third to enter in. I will follow my dreams although it may cause turmoil and change for others. I pledge to do this authentically, lovingly and humbly with forgiveness and grace in my heart. Amen