Miracles

Sometimes I really want to know what God wants from me. I pray and wait.... pray some more....wait and on and on it seems to go. I get really pissed off sometimes at the lack of response (always of course what I desire it to look like) and also the reminder to sit and wait in the shit of it all. I get tired. My soul and my heart are weary. It is here though that the greatest gifts, blessing and graces seem to arrive. I have waited and prayed many years for the miracle I experienced this past weekend. I had given up that it would. I believe it happened because I had finally let go. I surrendered. I released all the past hurts and baggage I had carried into this relationship not knowing I had done so. I healed and accepted all the hurts and sorrows I had experienced and caused during this marriage. I believed I was ready to move on. But sometimes that isn't what God has in mind for us. I think God likes curveballs. Those moments in time that shift something so profoundly that you didn't see it coming, and you can't go back. It is too late; the either/or disappears and all that is left is the AND. Now I am left wondering is it better late than never??? Or, is it just one of those pregnant moments in life where something has been significantly altered and now you are waiting to see what new life will be breathed into it. I don't know. All I know is that I was given the greatest gift a human being can ever experience. I wonder if this is how parents feel about their children. I looked into the eyes of another and saw the Beloved looking back at me and all I wanted to do was love that beloved man with all my heart and soul. I am left waiting again in the shit of it, waiting and praying.....