Projected Mirrors

The last three years, well more truthfully, the last 33 years of my life have taught me a lot about relationships. However, it wasn't until recently that I truly began to pay attention. Most likely because ever relationship in my life was on the fritz somehow. They just weren't working for me anymore. The painful part was that most of these relationships were with the very people I held the closest to my heart, and I loved them very much, or so I believed I did. I loved them, but I also hated and resented them. To make matters more complicated and frustrating I believed that that they were the problem, not me. Yes, I was a saint....Heaven sent to save these wayward souls from self-destruction. The fall from sainthood has been a Godsend. A flight downwards into the stink and darkness of my shit. I realized through a lot of painful and honest self-reflections, that the very devils I despised were really the shadows filling my own heart. I never truly loved these people. How could I??? I was too busy hating myself and projecting it onto them so I wouldn't have to be the problem, to truly even know them. And in doing so, I failed to see the beauty and individuality in their imperfections and my own. On this difficult and lonely path (no one could do this work or transformation for me, although I wished it many times I could pay someone to) I began to see how easy, too easy it is to cause pain and suffering to another. It seemed far more difficult and counterintuitive to be authentic, honest, open and loving; especially when the risk of rejection was the greatest. I have seen my neediness, my insecurity, my shallow, selfish and unforgiving tendencies and habitual patterns. I have seen the old wounds and memories of childhood play themselves out on every relationship and circumstance in my life. And because I asked to see the darkness in myself and know the truth, I have also experienced the freedom that love brings. Not the love of movies, or sappy romance novels. The love that transcends all rational understanding. The love that warms your heart from head to toe just because it can. The type of love that flows spontaneously for no apparent reason. This is the love that I always desired to be and give. I pray and talk to God everyday so that love is the guiding principle that moves me into every single moment I spend in relationship to the world around me. Do I forget and lose my way....Absolutely. But God never leaves me and I trust God that I will be shown the way back. Despite the gnashing of teeth and the moments of forgetfulness when the dramas of life cloud my heart and better judgement, I know that all is just a mirror. These moments of despair, sadness, anger and grief are not to be borne long, they are to worn lightly and to be used to set me straight on the path to loving-kindness again. Forgiveness and acceptance have been the most transformative tools I have utilized up to this point in my life, and I have never been disappointed in God for all the love and support I have been given on the way. All the relationships that were not as I desired them to be three years ago have changed drastically, miraculously. I couldn't have asked for more out of life. The rest in icing. Today, I thank God for all the angels in my life posing as despicable devils. For in the those dark shadows my redemption and freedom were borne.

Bittersweet Symphony

The last few days I have heard the song Bittersweet Symphony being played quite randomly and each time it caught my attention I stopped, and began to ponder the bittersweetness of life. As I listened I thought about how life is a symphony of experiences, choices, relationships, moments, feelings and emotions. All of these can seem pretty bitter at times and at other moments, very sweet. We usually experience the bitter and the sweet separately. They seem mutally exclusive. And depending on how one views life and their experiences there can be more or less of either of these two realities. However, I am convinced that these two apparent polar opposite actualities in fact do occur together. They actually coexist at the same time, in the same moment that the experiencer is experiencing the unfolding event before them. I know from my own reflection that when I am in a situation where I am feeling anguish, there is also a kindness present as well. It takes a wider perspective and I have to step out of the personal agenda I am focused on creating and intentionally view the situation from many different angles. In doing this, a soft gentleness holds the harshness and the sweetness of life begins to permeate it all and change it. It becomes less hurtful, painful, and intrusive. Healing, allowing and acceptance flower in a place where only moments, days, weeks, or years before there seemed only to be rubbish and painful memories strewn. The symphony of life doesn't ask us to acknowledge only the sweetness and negate the bitterness, or live in either of these experiences exclusively. It is asking us to allow the gentle sweetness to soften the harshness and allow the bitterness to mold and give context to the sweetness. It is only here that we will begin to appreciate the gifts of both of these beautiful perspectives. When placed together in a partnership that is necessary for life to have meaning and depth these seemingly polar opposites that were once believed to be unreconcilable, begin to create the beautiful bittersweet symphony of your life and the rose is more glorious because of it's thorns.

What you say, what you do...

We live in a world where we are constantly in a mode of communication. We use cellphones, emails and numerous other modalities to convey our thoughts and express ourselves through words to one another. However, what is one to believe at the end of the day, what we say or what we do??? The old adage that actions speak louder than words holds much wisdom. Often I find myself saying something that I don't necessarily or entirely believe to be true. I may be to afraid to say what I really feel, or I may just desire to avoid a fight that I am sure (in my mind) will ensue or I just feel if I say what I have to say, it may hurt another persons feelings. Yet, underneath all this is how I really feel and I can bet at some point I will find myself acting out my deepest, truest beliefs. If I am not careful that my words and thoughts are congruent with my actions, in the end, I have not spared anyone the uncomfortable or painful truth of how I really feel or what I truly think. We avoid being direct and truthful all the time. Why as a society have we not come to respect and honour the courage and love that it takes for someone to say something in a honest, integrous and loving manner, even if the truth sometimes hurts? Of course it is painful sometimes, that's why we put up with people lying to us or readily believe the sugar coated half- assed truth version of their opinions. At the end of the day, I would rather have your truth. Then and only then, can I decide for myself what I am going to do about it. When we do not stand together in a desire to assist one another in living more fully and freely, we keep ourselves locked in "safe" little boxes that rob us of the genuine opportunity for change. I love it when someone says, "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you." Really? Actually, I think you didn't tell me because you didn't want to deal with the consequences of your actions and truth. And for the record, now that I know, do you really believe it hurts less now than if you had told me the truth up front?!! Come on...now I have been lied to and the hurt is that much deeper. At the end of the day, I desire truth. I have my own act to clean up with this. I see my own failings and avoidances. In acknowledging that and desiring better of myself in relationships, I honour myself, I find integrity and courage within myself and I see very clearly what I will tolerate and what I will not in others. Yes, I expect the same courtesy and respect returned. Anything less is sabotaging the person I choose to be. So when you tell me what you think and when I see what you do, I am left with no choice but to believe your actions. For didn't you once tell me that the best predictor of people's future actions are the choices and behaviours they have chosen in the past...

The Dark Spot

This summer has been one of the most difficult, challenging and fulfilling seasons of my life. Needless to say, I am ready for the Fall Solstice to come upon me. I have been wrestling with inner demons that have conveniently come to play out within my life. My deepest fears and insecurities are being lived right now. I stand in the quake of everything I have tried very desperately never to go through in my life. Yet here it is. The pain in excrutiating. It stabs so deep, the wound never seems to stop bleeding. It seems sometimes that a beautiful healing scab has formed and given time, a faint white scar may be visible or maybe not at all, if the cut heals well. Unfortunately, it seems the wound still desires to weep. I do not know how to step or transcend beyond this dark cold place that sits just above my navel. It twists and turns, and leaves me in a cold sweat if my attention begins to ruminate in it. It hurts..it hurts so much. How do I move beyond this??? How do I heal this??? I believe I cannot. Something much greater than I is needed. I have tried to rationalize this ache, to deny this ache, to curse and judge this ache. It hasn't changed. It still pierces straight through me. It taints all my perceptions of trust, and it creates suspicion. Unfairly I judge others, question their motives, their actions, their words. It seems to smother all goodness and truth that exists. I desire for truth and goodness to absorb and transform it. The dark spot is a hole that longs to be filled; the challenge arises when I am on my knees, buckled over and breathless in the pain, to choose to fill that hole with something greater and transcendent that I know nothing about....

Words

I love words. I always have. I take great pleasure in learning a new obscure word in the english language. Then I let the word roll around on my lips and tongue as I create imaginative ways in which I can use it in my everyday vernacular. My husband often calls "bullshit" a lot on my word plays. It is childish play when I run to the dictionary to "prove" I have used this less commonly heard word properly. Doing this with him is one of my favorite things. It makes me smile just to write about it. However, lately I have been thinking about the insufficiency of words.... how they are so limited in their capacity to convey the truth of the heart. I believe when I try to relay in words something from that deep heartfelt place it becomes transformed and diminished on some level in the language of the mind. It is frustrating for me to hear what I am saying, attempting to describe something which is indescribable and knowing deep within my soul it isn't anywhere close to the feelings I am experiencing. Can a parent ever come close to using the english language as a way to explain to their children the depths of devotion and unconditional love them have for them? I am sure any parent reading this will know exactly what I mean. The words just don't cut it. They seem so inadequate in the moment of the feeling being experienced. There are no words for it. I cannot in a million words or in a million different languages even try to explain what I feel for you. "I love you" seems run-of-the-mill and glib. I look at you and I know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Nothing I wouldn't give to you. In the aftermath of hurt, fear, rejection and distress it forgives all things. It accepts all things. It loves all things. It is a depth of feeling that just keeps giving with no expectation of anything given in return. It doesn't need it. It is sufficient unto itself. A never-ending fountain of fresh spring water that fills all the holes and cracks. I have prayed often that God show me what it is like to love someone unconditionally, to show me what it means to give selflessly to another. Be careful what you pray for. I never in my wildest imaginings thought it would unfold like this. It has come at a cost so great it seems cruel and yet it isn't harsh or agonizing. It is soft and yielding. I died a million times to myself to feel and experience this. I willingly accept a million more. It is a the most beautiful gift that Life has ever bestowed upon me and it is not mine to keep. I give it wholly and completely to you. Do with it what you will. You will walk your path in this life and I will be where you desire me to be. I know I will love and support you every step of the way. In the end there are no words except....I love you.

Life Lessons

Eventually we are asked to get off the ride. It has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, twists and turns, and sometimes a little coasting. However, it must come to a stop at some point. It has to or else we couldn't or wouldn't start again on a bigger, more challenging and exciting ride. There has been laughter and tears, joy and sorrow. It has been horribly terrifying and heartbreaking while paradoxically, liberating and exhilarating. I once commented to a wonderful person I know that I had been well loved in my life. Yes, it is true. I have been loved; I am loved. However, what I failed at that time to comprehend or even contemplate was this: Had I loved well in my life? Sadly, that answer has been no. However, I never fathomed in a million years what it would mean to me or could mean to me to do so. I probably wouldn't have even asked God to show me what it was like to love unconditionally, to be able to forgive all that did and did not happen before, if I had known where that prayer would eventually lead me. This is what I have come to learn. It is better to give than to receive, for in doing so, true freedom and love are found. I have been shown over and over again my liberation lies in giving my heart and authentic truth to another without expectations or guarantees. It has also been a great cross to bear. For I stand alone with a heart full of love and compassion, pulling on a deep faith that somehow I have served something greater than myself. However, I also hope someday I will journey this path with someone who will love and hold my heart as much as I can love and hold theirs.

Gathering In

I am struck how life is circular, yet spiral in nature. It is a process of changing seasons, birth and death, light and dark. I cannot know the joy of an experience without also knowing sadness. I believe these processes are so intertwined that one is not occurring without the other right along with it. Sometimes it is very difficult to see love and hate in the same situation. Yet I have learned it is there. There are patterns unfurling as well as I walk my path. Many times I have stopped and realized I have been here before. It may look a different in the outward expression of the experience, but the feelings underneath it are the same. These feelings have become my sacred companions. These feelings push me to go a little deeper, know myself a little more, experience my life more authentically. I have learned to trust that these moments come to serve. Sometimes they elevate me to great joy and triumph. Sometimes they bring me to my knees in surrendered defeat. I have many gray hairs to prove how hard I try not to bend. The darkness always wins in the end. It is my greatest source of wisdom. It has been my greatest teacher. The bleak shroud of midnight brings me to the light of my greatest success and inner power. I have learned to gather in these feelings and look at them honestly in the light of awareness. They are always showing me myself. It is a difficult process, especially the bigger the emotional response. It is far easier to blame another then to see the fault lying at my own feet. Yet I believe if I wish to live a life of freedom, a life of authenticity, love and freedom then I must be willing to sacrifice all I have ever believed to be true about myself and see myself with different eyes. Freedom always begins in my own heart. It always starts with understanding my role in the experience and then forgiving myself for my blindness. Then.... I pour a glass of wine and offer myself a sincere congratulations... I have just experienced a triumph of my soul.