Collapse

There is a point in a person's life (or maybe just mine) where you have believed you have done everything right. You have committed to people, jobs, belief systems and felt that surely you had life figured out and for awhile, it seems to run smoothly. Then something happens. A job loss, a death, an overwhelming experience of a person or event and all the wheels fall off. It is then that one realizes they barely had their shit together in the first place. It was all some illusory safety net. This happened to me. It all began so subtley, so inconspicuously. I began to question the meaning of my life, my marriage and my role as a woman in society. I had effectively started to see cracks in my perfect little life and all the things I believed were good for me. It turns out, my heart and soul wanted something more from life than my head and ego. It wanted depth, intimacy, relatedness, mystery and deep passionate, soul burning love. It want to feel alive and connected to something far greater than the surface trappings of life. It wanted to feel known by someone else without ever saying a word. This is a tall order, especially since it is 180 degrees from what I had previously believed to be safe, secure and desireable. However, those ideals was no longer feeding my soul. Oh, how I fought this urge, effectively ignored it for many years. I went to school, got a good job, married a great guy, bought a house..... I was on the path to success and freedom, or so I thought. I never dreamt that success and freedom had nothing to do with those things. So here I am, at 32 years of age and I have completely destroyed and torn apart my life for dreaming something more for myself. I tried desperately to cling to the way that had come before. I believed I was asking too much from Life, from God. Maybe I am. I am terrified that I am. I am scared shitless to be standing here on this point of collapse and ruin, begging God to remove all the desires and dreams of my heart and soul, to take me back to the time before I began to ask questions. But He does not. He burns the call to something more, to something different, to Eros and Life deep within my psyche. He will not let me go back to simpler times. For that woman no longer exists anymore. She has been ruined.